Long Island (The most creatively named place since New England)

I know what you're thinking...."Where the hell has this guy been? I've missed his hysterical insulting rants of my and others' cultures." Well, I've been in NYC. But I'm not here today to talk about the city, I'm here to talk about it's friendly island neighbor, Long Island. I recently had the opportunity to spend a couple days in a couple different location, Babylon (somewhere in the middle) and Sagaponack (in the Hamptons). Both rich, drunken times.

Let's start with the Hamptons. Here's the shitty $4 million house I stayed at.

And, it's shitty backyard.

Don't get me wrong, the house is ridic. However, there are $30 million houses down the road. This is the Hampton's people, people use $4 million as tampons (I'm not really sure how that would work, but it sounds painful).

So, all we really did for the weekend was play beer pong, lie on the beach, drink bloodies, play beer pong and play beer pong. Oh, and drink a delicious, nutritious breakfast....

It's good to be rich...or at least know rich people. Someday, with your support (as in donations), I will be able to own a (vacation) house like this of my own (in addition to the three others)....and maybe I will invite each and every one of you out to experience how I live.

The other shitty place I visited on Long Island was somewhere around Babylon. And here is the resort like backyard of the house I stayed at....

My question is....when you have a backyard like this, how do you go on vacation? Don't you walk outside your resort and just shrug at the same scene that you see everyday? I bet the children starving in Ethiopia even feel bad for the people who have to go on vacation like this. Thank you children of Ethiopia, your concern is appreciated!

Oh yeah, I also went out on a boat...

You're lucky I'm wearing a shirt, cause I am very tan and ripped and you would feel bad about how you look if you saw me.

So we swam in the ocean, swam in the pool and grilled some delicious meat. Hooray. I came back nice and red and fat. I believe this is what every woman is looking for in a man. It must be my personality that's failing me.

I hope you all learned lots about Long Island and will consider visiting it for your next vacation. Or perhaps if you get rich, you can buy a house of your own there and invite me to come drink at it.

Love,

Matt

By the way, I am going to start trying to write on this blog more often as I pursue my career in comedy.