Sunday, November 11, 2012

Hello 911....Yes, there is a giant man burning in the middle of the desert

Yes, that's right. I couldn't stay away. I had to go back for round 3 of Burning Man. And this time....the desert won (I'm not really sure what that means...I just thought it was a good opener). Things got a little crazy this time...a little too crazy, if you know what I mean (prob not). And somehow I ended up going for a week. Yes a full seven days of dust, love, dust, things appearing to melt when they shouldn't be, partying, dust, tits, heat, cold, man tits, and the craziest, trippiest art of all kinds you can't even imagine. Do you understand now? Do you? Do you? No? Then perhaps this giant octopus car shooting flames out of its tentacles will help.

Starting to make sense? Good.

This time I went with people I didn't even know (friends of friends) cause its just too damn hard to find someone cool enough, that's willing to go from the east coast (yeah, I'm talking about you). But as always, the Burners (those that attend Burning Man) are the nicest people out there and things worked out amazingly.

You can't tell, but she's pinching my nipple hardcore there....

We stayed at the hoolihoop (sp?) camp and despite having a week, I still couldn't get it down. But there were lots of other peoples who were frickin amahzing...

 Oh yes....there was fire!!!

I hear fire looks cooler when you're on drugs....can anyone confirm this for me?

It really is impossible for me to describe what its like being out there....people are just so giving and so creative. Everywhere you go, people are giving shit out for free (nothing is for sale...its all gifting. Damn hippies). Alcohol, ice cream, pancakes, grilled cheese, massages, advice, body art, hugs, and love. People spend their entire year making crazy amazing massive artwork.

This entire thing is made out of zip ties....hah

And of course there is the man....                                                                             And the man burning....

But there's also just freedom. There's no authority telling you what you can and cannot do. Which may be a bad thing, cause I might drink a lot and climb up on a really high structure....

Gonna say that's not safe

And it's hot. And dusty. And there's not exactly the opportunity to clean yourself. And it's hot. And if you're extremely white and wear suspenders without a shirt (fashion statement), this might happen..

This is my artwork contribution

I actually got an even crazier sunburn on the front

No, that's just body paint

So, I'm just riding around on my bike and I come across this guy with a sign on his bike that says "Body art anytime/anywhere". So I says...."Where's anywhere?". He says "Right here". He breaks out a stool. Breaks out a shade umbrella. Breaks out a suitcase of body art tools and just goes to town on me. It's funny cause we're just sitting in the middle of this intersection getting body spray painted and people just ride by without even thinking twice about it. It's just perfectly normal for this environment.

One of the art projects was Wall St. Just a bunch of huge empty buildings. Not that cool.

Then they Burned It. BURN WALL STREET! Viva la revolution!

Despite everything, I did manage to survive the week. But I am forever changed....mostly because of the acid flashbacks. I'm not ready to give up though. I feel confident I can go back for round 4 and do something stupid enough that I will never return from the desert. Hooray! So, please come back in one year's time to read if I am still alive.

Monday, September 24, 2012

What Happens in Vegas....Stays on Matt's Blog

The land of hope and opportunity....where people fall in and out of love on an hourly basis. Where babies are made and.....disposed of daily. Where Matt Levin goes to celebrate his cousin's wedding, but spends the majority of the weekend getting hammered on the strip. Of course I am talking about the holy land. No, not Jerusalem....Vegas.

I mean don't get me wrong, the trip started innocently enough in the Mormon land of Salt Lake City. In case you care, my brother lives there....and he has a new baby daughter (I guess that makes her my niece). This was really my first experience of significant time with a baby. Those things are crazy. They move around and make a lot of noise, but don't really offer to help you in any way. But they make me seem more likable in pictures.

You know you want to say awww. But you shouldn't cause in the picture I'm actually in the process of grabbing my bottle of gin back from her (I dunno why I like to drink it out of baby bottles).

But I know you didn't come here to read about babies, so we can jump ahead to Vegas. But even after I got to Vegas, there was still some time to see family and only drink moderately.

So, here's another picture that makes me seem like a person you may want to be around.

And here's one of me, my brother and dad, after my uncle said something about the balls behind our head. Classiness runs in our family.

And then all hell broke loose.....


Hmmmmmm.....I was hoping that those pictures were gonna be crazier. But I wanted to convey that you can drink on the street, I am incredibly white, and that they have clubs in Vegas.

This was the general schedule of my nights: drink, drink, drink, drink, gamble, drink, club, drink, dance, food, gamble, drink, dance, puke, dance, drink. And at this point it was actually the next night and time to start over again at drink. 

Except for Sunday when we went to Wet Republic. Pool Party! There were turtle floaties and slip and slides......and the hottest girls I have ever seen in my life. This was our waitress,,,,

Look at her. She can't keep her hands off my tan body. And I'm pretty sure she was the ugly waitress.

I'm gonna go ahead and recommend everyone gets a Cabana at a party pool in Vegas, cause shit is sweeeet.  Typically cabanas have like a $1000 minimum. Lucky for me though, my bro got us a hook up and we had no minimum at all. Booyah. So, for five of us for five hours, we got away with only spending $775. What a fucking deal!


But I have no idea how we spent that much money. I'm guessing somebody bought a bottle of something behind my back. Of course my brother (who wasn't paying for anything) signed the bill to our hotel room and didn't think to check anything when the bill came out to that ridiculous amount. I believe his quote was..."well that's gonna suck".

I'm not sure what else to say, cause I can't remember because of all the alcohol. Ummmm, we stayed at Aria. Nice hotel. We went to the club there, Haze. Nice club. We got an $80 breakfast in bed. Nice breakfast.

So in the end, I spend shit tons of money. I lost shit tons of money gambling. And I have a void in my memory of the weekend cause I was drunk the whole time. Now that's money well spent.....or not.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Long Island (The most creatively named place since New England)

I know what you're thinking...."Where the hell has this guy been? I've missed his hysterical insulting rants of my and others' cultures." Well, I've been in NYC. But I'm not here today to talk about the city, I'm here to talk about it's friendly island neighbor, Long Island. I recently had the opportunity to spend a couple days in a couple different location, Babylon (somewhere in the middle) and Sagaponack (in the Hamptons). Both rich, drunken times.

Let's start with the Hamptons. Here's the shitty $4 million house I stayed at.

And, it's shitty backyard.

Don't get me wrong, the house is ridic. However, there are $30 million houses down the road. This is the Hampton's people, people use $4 million as tampons (I'm not really sure how that would work, but it sounds painful).

So, all we really did for the weekend was play beer pong, lie on the beach, drink bloodies, play beer pong and play beer pong. Oh, and drink a delicious, nutritious breakfast....

It's good to be rich...or at least know rich people. Someday, with your support (as in donations), I will be able to own a (vacation) house like this of my own (in addition to the three others)....and maybe I will invite each and every one of you out to experience how I live.

The other shitty place I visited on Long Island was somewhere around Babylon. And here is the resort like backyard of the house I stayed at....

My question is....when you have a backyard like this, how do you go on vacation? Don't you walk outside your resort and just shrug at the same scene that you see everyday? I bet the children starving in Ethiopia even feel bad for the people who have to go on vacation like this. Thank you children of Ethiopia, your concern is appreciated!

Oh yeah, I also went out on a boat...

You're lucky I'm wearing a shirt, cause I am very tan and ripped and you would feel bad about how you look if you saw me.

So we swam in the ocean, swam in the pool and grilled some delicious meat. Hooray. I came back nice and red and fat. I believe this is what every woman is looking for in a man. It must be my personality that's failing me.

I hope you all learned lots about Long Island and will consider visiting it for your next vacation. Or perhaps if you get rich, you can buy a house of your own there and invite me to come drink at it.



By the way, I am going to start trying to write on this blog more often as I pursue my career in comedy.