Thailand or: how I learned to stop worrying and embrace awesome

You know those vacations where you have ups and downs. There are more fun times. There are less fun times. There are boring times. Times of not awesomeness.....Now I think those vacations are bullshit. You heard me. They're not Thailand. Thailand is non-stop amazing. All day - every day. Before I went, there were all these other places I wanted to visit: China, Japan, South America (I know that that one is a continent), other stupid places. Now, they all sound inferior. Inferior to the great Thailand. If I one day find a nice girl and settle down, I'm definitely not taking her to Thailand, but until then, Thailand has this.....

 

And that was just the first day.

Imagine a place where every single girl (and half girl) chases after you. I know......you're saying, "Matt. I'm not a great looking guy. Why would every girl be interested in me?" Well, you're white and rich (in comparison at least). And pretty much every girl would marry you on the spot. The gender roles are completely reversed (from any place I have been) and the girls chase after the guys (at least the young decent looking white guys....which I apparently meet the criteria for).

And yes, many girls are for "sale".  This seems pretty ingrained in their culture actually. And its important to remember that I am not saying that I engaged in any seedy activities in Thailand. Nor am I saying that I enjoy or endorse them. I am but a simple observer.......other than the things that I engaged in, endorse and enjoyed the hell out of (but I'm not telling you which things).

Here's an important glossary of terms to remember for your Thailand adventures

• Bar fine - Money one pays to a bar/club/establishment in order to take an employee with them from the bar. This is usually around $10.
• Mama-san - An older woman acting as somewhat of a pimp for a bar/club/establishment. She'll collect the bar fine and sometimes negotiates prices for additional services for the girls
• Go-Go Bars - An establishment where 6-8 girls stand around on stage in bikinis or similar with numbers pinned on them waiting to be selected. There's no stripping, no show, just....that. There are seats setup around the stage where people drink. These bars were EVERYWHERE
• Hotel Check - I made this phrase up....but when 'one' brings a Thai girl back to their hotel, the girl needs to leave their id at the front desk. If the girl tries to leave without their 'host', the front desk will call up to their room and ask if its ok for the girl to leave.....what a country.
• Ping Pong Show - Use your imagination

Here are some of the people encountered in my travels and others I heard stories about from locals...

Girls working at Go-Go bars (or other girls openly/directly/obviously looking for money for sex) usually they are on stage and at seedy rooms where taxi drivers will take one. Even though this is a more obvious/direct transaction, these girls will go party with a purchaser for the night....not just a straight sex exchange.

Bar employees....apparently almost all employees at bars can be 'bar fined' to leave with someone. This includes waitresses and bar tenders, but usually a bar will have a number of 'normal' girls hanging out that technically work there and are waiting to be paid to leave with someone. Careful with this or else that connection you made with someone may end up being all a ploy for money 😱

There are other girls hanging out and having fun, but don't work at the bar and still ask for money to go with someone.

Many other non-working girls apparently will expect some money at some point if they are taken home. This seems to be almost a custom? It's not paying for sex. It really just seems to come down to the fact that you are rich and they are not, and they have no choice but to collect money like this. It doesn't feel like they are out to get money, but if they meet a nice rich guy who can afford to take care of them, then they expect him to pay for things and give them some cash.

Nice girls to bring home to mom can be found on Thai dating sites (ThaiCupid). They're looking for a real relationship and marriage. Apparently they still have the dowery system in place and you have throw their family a one time fee of $15000. Also, the classic story goes, they will ask you to bring their poor brother to America with them. Turns out, he's really her husband and they both disappear once you pay for them to get here.

I realize I sound like an asshole and this can be degrading and sad. I'm in no way endorsing it, these are just observations and what I was told.

Now, lets talk about LadyBoys for a hot second. They are quite prevalent in Thailand. Its just engrained in the culture. Apparently families often encourage their children to take on this lifestyle. Often, they will take hormones from a very young age and get that magical operation and essentially retain very little physical evidence of being a man. There are certain tell signs to recognize a ladyboy, but even by the end of our trip, there was still no way we could be sure. Many of the ladyboys are actually some of the most beautiful people you have ever seen in your life, so to help you out, here are a couple tells for recognizing your ladyboys....

• Tall(er) and skinny (Thai women are very short in general)
• Solo (or in a group of 2) away from the main action (usually waiting for you by their motorbike at the end of a street)
• Aggressive (Both in terms of offering sex and following you and getting angry at you) (if you are gonna get robbed in Thailand....its gonna be a ladyboy)

But I offer this thought to you.....if they're one of the most beautiful people you have ever seen....and they talk, act, and perform like a woman.....whats the difference? Does it matter at this point? As the old story goes....if a man has a sex change operation in the woods, was she really ever a man? What?

Now that we got the sex out of the way, lets cuddle up and I will tell you about how the other 5% of my time was spent (I kid...it was at least 10%).

Thailand

A country you think about so little, you didn't realize that that's not Thailand (credit: John Oliver)

Thailand

I went with my brother (half brother if you're counting) (brother from another mother if you're into rhyming)

 <-- Sam

Sam -->

SAM

We had 10 days (not nearly long enough) broken down like so...

3 days - Bangkok

4 days - Ko Samui

2 days - Pattaya Beach

1 day - Bangkok

We left New York City at 1:00PM on a Thursday. After a 13 hour flight to Beijing and a then a 5 hour flight from there to Bangkok, we somehow got there at 2 AM on Friday night. Clearly, we needed a drink immediately. So we ran to the nearest watering hole which happened to be some fancy club that made us wear pants. PANTS! It was like 100 degrees and they're gonna make us wear pants? But it turned out alright, cause within 5 minutes (and literally the first girl I talked to), I had found me a nice little Thai girlfriend.

Awwwww

Now, I bet you're wondering which category she fits into, aren't you? Don't worry, she was one of the good ones (and I'm like 75% sure, not a lady boy).

We spent the next 3 days doing all sorts of touristy and drunken activities.

We got lost in the weekend market (where you could pretty much buy anything you would ever need...or not need)

Visited Soi Cowboy. A street full of bright lights, Go-Go Bars, Ping Pong Shows and other family friendly activities

(technically this last one was not on Soi Cowboy, but on Patpong....but its equally as seedy obviously and its a great picture)

A boat trip down the Chao Phraya River

We got some sweet hats (they're actually Vietnamese....but don't tell anyone)

A trip to the Skybar at the top of Lebua tower. Do you recognize it? Do you? It's the building from Hangover 2. It basically exists now for the purpose of saying it was in the Hangover 2 and charging $20 a drink.

Over to Khao San road where the backpacking foreigners hang out.....and they eat scorpions and tarantulas (did not partake).

And our favorite mode of transportation was of course, the tuk-tuk.

And after all that.....we came away with only minor injuries and mostly non-permanent diseases. We knew we had to double down on our party efforts if we were going to make America proud. 



With a quick 1 hour plane ride we arrived in Ko Samui. An island in the Gulf of Thailand.

Sam was quick to copy my efforts and find himself a Thai girlfriend here within 5 minutes of arriving (she was a masseuse working by the hotel).

Awwww

Now, I've done some partying in my day. And I've done it in some pretty cool places.....Amsterdam, Ibiza, Acton Massachusetts, Burning Man, Bangkok, NYC, Las Vegas, and a number of really great Bar Mitzvahs. Other than Burning Man (and possibly a couple Bar Mitzvahs), Ko Samui has the most partying per square foot (in the main area called Chaweng) that I have seen.



There's the beach which had its parties.....although mostly white people (or caucasians as Sam prefers me to say).

Oh yeah.....They had these bucket drinks. Pick an alcohol. Pick a mixer. Get a whole fucking bucket of them mixed together

Then there is this semi-circle road coming off the beach that is just non-stop huge outdoor, multi floor night clubs holding thousands of people each. Of course you can drink on the street so its like one huge party. Consistent great music too.

Those are the names of shots...you sicko

Every night around 11pm (after quality nap time), we would put on our best suit and thai and hit the town.

We actually mostly hung out with Thai's. It could have been the abundance of Thai women, but the Thai people are just friendlier. It is known as the land of smiles.........because people smile a lot.  And man did it suck coming back to America after, which we've named the land of frowns.

And in Ko Samui, the lady boys were quite aggressive. They'd basically be lined up at the end of the main streets just waiting for you to walk by on your way home. I would get propositioned by at least ten of them on my walks home at night. Sometimes they would follow me on their motorcycles, continually stopping to grab me and offer all kinds of interesting things. But I stayed strong and only took home four or five a night....kidding.

But let me tell you, Ko Samui was more than just the night life....

They also had some motherfuckin tigers, yo

Ohhhhhhh look at how cute he is (and the tiger isn't bad either.....ba-zing). Aw look, he's got his tongue sticking out. It's cause he's thinking about eating us.

This is the only animal park we went to, but they had one for elephants and crocodiles and snakes and humans and monkeys. It seems to be a very common perception that the tourist animals are treated very poorly and its probably true unfortunately. The only reason this monster of an eating machine didn't devour us is cause it was drugged up. I feel bad...I do, but its so hard to find a tiger to take a picture with in New York. Usually, the tiger sanctuary actually has a baby tiger that you can feed a bottle to, but he was sleeping apparently, so we had to go with the one that could destroy us.

The one thing that was very, very disappointing about Ko Samui was its complete lack of picturesque views.  Absolutely nothing!

We rented motorbikes and drove around the island (they are quite aggressive drivers and drive on the left.....so I feel lucky I didn't die). We went to a pool on top of a mountain.





We took a ferry to a a national park island

 I am the captain now

Sam got his Bungee on

And of course we had to get two massages every single day. They're ten dollars. TEN DOLLARS. And they'll even do aloe massages on your sunburned back! If you know how white I am (which you do cause there's pictures of me here), this was one of the highlights of my life.

For me, Ko Samui was the highlight of the trip, so it was tough to say good bye. But it made it a little easier knowing that Pattaya Beach was up next, which is considered the seedy place in Thailand (unlike these other tame destinations). People referred to it as the Vegas of Thailand. Be afraid.

The main street in Pattaya, Walking Street, is just go-go bar after go-go bar after ping pong show with an occasional bar and night club thrown in. You can't walk five feet on this street without bumping into a girl trying to proposition you.

Does that look like a guy having fun?

The other big news out of Pattaya is that I bungee jumped. This is not something that I can recommend. It's as scary as it looks. I still have the image seared into my mind of standing up on top of the tower and looking off the edge and my brain being like, "This makes no sense. Does not compute". But.....here we go.

After Pattaya, we had a day back in Bangkok and then flew out at 1AM and somehow arrived back in New York at 10AM the same day.

I think I covered all the topics I wanted to, but if you have questions, comments or criticisms please leave them in the comments section.

Like I said, I previously had a whole bunch of places that I wanted to visit. Now....I just want to go back to Thailand every single time.

Oh...I also ate some pad thai

Don't Drink the Water....There's Local Bacteria In It

Frankie Botero!

< ------this guy------ >

Well he decided to get hitched. Take the plunge. Tie the knot. Get married. Hook up the ball and chain. Put his sex life in a locked box. 

So, he needed to have a bachelor party. Since they don't allow Google Glass in strip clubs, we headed to Isla de Mujeres. An island off of Cancun, known for two of the following three things: scuba diving, sea food and loose women. And Mexicans. 

Look at that beautiful fucking color. Isn't it the shit?

Isn't it?

Well we were only there for a weekend, but we managed to pack in at least a long weekend's worth of activities in. And on the very first activity, I was already burned (and drunk). We had to take a boat over from the main land (since an island is surrounded by water) and we sat on top. Done. Burned. Red. Ouch. But in my defense, I'm really white. That's not really a defense.

The rest of the day was spent eating, drinking, swimming and drinking. Also curling up with my fellow bachelor partiers to enjoy the sunset. Awww.

You can't see it, but I'm being embraced by a drunk groomsman

We finished the night with drinking and a good ole game of Cards Against Humanity. The next day, we're up early for taco's and scuba diving.

I'm a little bit sexy and I know it

There were fish. There were sea turtles. There were people puking off the side of the boat. There were near death experiences. There were death experiences. Most of us made it back to shore in one piece.

And then we got back to drinking....and eating. I seriously put on 37 pounds while I was there. This is what I looked like after. This is not an exaggeration at all.

I'm hideous and I know it

I ate so much fucking food. I ate giant sticks of meat. Giant tacos of meat. Giant Burritos of meat. Giant vegetarian meats. And fried bread with sugar on it. And Churros. And this was all the real deal Mexican shit cooked on the street in front of you. So you know it low grade shit you're eating.

But the one thing that I couldn't find...until the very end was Tortas. And when I did finally find and have one, it wasn't even good. It was just a ton of meat on bread. Those Mexicans need to take a lesson from the NYC street vendors and learn how to make Mexican food. Who's with me?

In general, there seems to be a lot of Mexican beers in Mexico....except Corona. It's like the Mexicans got together and decided to ostracize Corona cause its the most popular in America. Dos Equis....no problem. Pacifico....everywhere. Negra Modelo....have another. Corona....oh there's one shop on the other side of the island that has that. But who's gives a shit right? I already have what I need for my picture...

I don't always take pictures on vacation, but when I do, I try to pose so that I can make a cliche caption.

Sunday! The last day of our 2.5 day trip! We rented golf carts and rode around the tiny island. As this was Mexico, and I have problems, I felt obligated to drink and drive. Don't worry, it's just a golf cart. And I couldn't even knock that guy over when I hit him going full speed.

But I did get to pose for some beautiful shots in the beautiful landscape. I am sending these to a modeling agency that appeals to albinos getting over their fear of the sun.

After all that somewhat fun in the sun, it unfortunately had to come to an end. Just like Frankie's single life came to an end. And so, being the good hosts that they are, the Mexicans simultaneously reminded us not to take liquids on the plane and become alcoholics.

What?

And finally, whats wrong with this picture?

If you would like to find out how you too can create a picture like this using just your iphone, email me at itsreallynotthatcool@gmail.com and allow 6-8 months for processing.

Chicago is like New York....Just Smaller, Colder and Cleaner (and nicer)

Decided to take a long weekend back in the homestead. Back in the old stomping grounds. Back where they put pickles on their hot dogs and invert their pizza. You know the place. The place where they decided to build an above ground train system in a cold abyss. The place where they blame all their problems on a goat (ya know as opposed to their lack of skill). You know what I'm talkin about. I'm talking about using 'Da' as a proper definite article (as in Da Bears). I'm talking about it being windy. I'm talking about....well, you know what I'm talking about. Do you?

So on a side note, I took a trip to Chicago this winter. Saw a couple of old friends. Made a couple of new enemies. Saw my reflection in a curved mirror. Stood out on a glass ledge 105 stories up. Saw some funny shit at IO theater. Got drunk in Wrigleyville. Saw the frozen Chicago River. Watched a Badgers game in Lincoln Park. Walked the (not so) Magnificent Mile. I'm sure some other stuff happened too.

 EXTREME CLOSEUP!!!!!

Slightly farther away...

So, thats the Willis tower. You can stand out in a glass cage of emotion 105 stories up. But I wasn't scared. I'm like really tough.

There's a picture from the top. So beautiful. It really makes you appreciate God and how he blessed us with these beautiful things. Amen. However, you see off in the distance that frozen tundra? That's the frozen lake. It was cold. Like cold fo realz. It really makes you question God and how he fucks with us on a yearly basis.

Here is another example of how cold it is...

Brrrrrrrrr

Apparently some kid jumped in the river the night before this to save his cellphone and since there no way out (walls on the sides), he wasn't too happy so his friend jumped in to save him. Then they died.

But a serious question which I have asked many times is: why did they build an above ground train system in a place so cold? Does that sound like a good idea? How did everyone else (in warmer) locations manage to put it below ground, but here they were like...just seems to make more sense to take up all this real estate, with this loud train that you have to wait for outside in the freezing cold temperatures. 

Here's that bean thing that everyone takes an obligatory picture in front of....

Turns out its not a bean....

I actually came to see my friends in Chicago and I'm just realizing that I don't actually have any picture of them from the trip (cause I'm a bad friend). So here are pictures of them from various other times....

 

 

Ah College. We were so young and in love.

I've gotten way off topic. But I think I said everything I wanted to say about Chicago. I lived there for five years and I can't think of anything significant to say. Its awesome in the summer cause of the beaches up and down Lake Michigan. Seriously! Amazing beaches stretching most of the city. And usually the water is even swimmable. So I guess the moral of this story is to go to Chicago during the summer and go to the beach. That, and fear God's wrath.

Thanks for listening...

Matt

Greece: More Than Just The Musical Your Parents Loved

If the question is: Did I go to Greece for two weeks and stop in Istanbul for a day and make friends with an elephant and have my company pay for it all? Then the answer is: "Yes for the most part, but I did not make friends with an elephant."

I know you are excited for me to talk about Greece...

Is that the Acropolis or Parthenon? Continue reading below to find out the difference...

But I'm going to have to start from the beginning of my journey. It started in March. March 18, 2013. The day I started working at AirFastTickets. I'll pause here to give you time to check out the website....maybe book a flight. Email me for a secret coupon.



OK, so really that's irrelevant other than the fact that AirFastTickets is a Greek company....with an office in Greece.....full of Greek developers....yearning for my knowledge and leadership....which my company decided to provide to them.....in the form of sending me to Greece.

So I went to Greece

Which Greek God is that with such chiseled abs? Continue reading below to find out...

But, my boss is from Turkey, so he always stops in Istanbul to see his family on the way to Greece, so, I decided to go with him and check out Istanbul for a day.

NYC -> IST (Although I worked for a travel company, they couldn't get me a flight in Business class.....real classy)

The first thing that I obviously had to do when I got to Turkey was enjoy a big glass of authentic Turkish coffee.

Do you not see how happy I look? That is a smile that only Turkish coffee can create.

From there we ate some foods, saw some mosques and partied it up......

What was really surprising to me was that Istanbul was just like any other modern, westernized city.....with a bunch of mosques in it. I expected it to be very eastern and religious and poor, but it could have been any European and American city (other than the Mosques). The airport was pretty trippy, though. It was a total east meets west culture mix. This makes sense as Istanbul actually straddles two continents (can you guess which ones?). I was actually in three continents in one day....OMG (I checked with Guinness World Records and apparently this was not a record). In the airport I saw this group (you might call it a tribe) of African women carrying their bags on their heads. Some of them were actually afraid to get on the escalator because they had never seen one before.

We also stopped by a couple Bazaars to pick up a little of this and a little of that. They had a whole Bazaar dedicated to pets. PETS! And here was my favorite pet....

LEECHES!!!! Ok, they weren't selling them as pets, but actually for medicinal purposes. Ya know...get out the bad blood. And here I was thinking that this practice had been dis-proven 50 years ago. Silly American doctors and their lack of leeches.

A couple other quick comments before we move on....this was during the Syrian civil war (I guess its still going on...probably no matter what year you're reading this in) and there were many beggars holding passports proving they were displaced from Syria. I thought that was interesting. That's what was hot on the Turkish streets there. Oh, and get this....we're riding the subway to the airport on our way out. Sitting across the aisle from us is this family with a baby. This guy next to us starts speaking Turkish (or similar language) to them. He starts smiling at the baby and doing baby shit. Then the dad picks up the baby and hands it to the guy. I'm like, I don't think they know each other, so I ask my boss and he's like yeah that's not uncommon for people to hand their baby to a complete stranger. And we're not talking some upstanding looking gentleman. He looks closer to homeless than upstanding. He has stains on his shirt and bad teeth and is just all disheveled. WTF is that? The guy gives the baby back and continues smiling and winking for five more minutes. That mother fucker would be arrested in five seconds in the US for just sitting down next to that family. Bazaar-o land. See what I did there?

And of course no visit to Turkey would be complete without a picture of me pretending to pray in front of a mosque. God bless my sense of humor...

On to Greece....

IST -> ATH

I was in Greece for two weeks, but of course I was there to work. So, most of the time was not spent sight-seeing, but finding and studying odd things about the culture. Lets talk about some of them.

First off, everyone talks about "The Crisis". "Ever since the crisis", "People do [this] since we're in the crisis", "People no longer do [that] since the crisis."    Does anyone have any idea what they're talking about? I hear hear the Greek economy is in great shape.

Next, they have this insane custom....when its your birthday, you buy drinks for everyone else, instead of the other way around. At least they told me that....then told me to come back on my birthday.

Now we'll get to the real crazy stuff....basketball. Basketball is huge in Greece. They have some American ex-division 1 players. Like I said, huge. My company actually sponsored a basketball team there so we sat down after work one day and watched a game. This is what it looked like...

Completely empty!

But Matt, I thought you said that Basketball was huge there?

Well, I didn't lie. Here's what I was told was the reason for the empty arena. This was the first game of the new season and the home team had been in the championship the previous year. They had been losing so badly that the fans rushed the court and started kicking players and doing other shenanigans. As a result, they ended up banning the fans for three games the next season. Banning the fans. So strange.

And then we started talking about opposing fans at the games and they said that they are basically just not allowed. Anyone cheering for the opposing team or wearing their jersey will get their ass kicked, so no one shows up. Can't we all just get along?

I also feel like no one uses horns there. It's pretty much the exact opposite of driving in India. But they do have awful, awful morning shows on the radio. All it was, every morning in the cab, was sound bites over 80s music. It was the most cliche radio hosting ever. And at least once every five minutes they would play the "This is Sparta" clip from 300. Why would you do that?

So that was some weird stuff that happened. Now I'll tell you about the touristy stuff I partook in.

Athens - Gods, Rocks, Gyros, Greek Coffee (same as Turkish coffee), Tzatziki sauce, Pillars

So to answer the questions from waaaay above...

"An acropolis (Greek: Ακρόπολις; akros, akron,^[1] highest, topmost, outermost + polis, city; plural: acropoleis or acropolises) is a settlement, especially a citadel, built upon an area of elevated ground—frequently a hill with precipitous sides, chosen for purposes of defense."

So the Acropolis is that whole area on top of the hill and the Parthenon is just the main building up there.

And now you have learned something today.

And as for the nice naked man in bronze above, if you guessed Poseidon....you might be right. And if you guessed Zeus.....you might be right. Cause they don't know which one it is for sure (almost like they weren't real). And of course, as the racist quip goes....all Gods look alike.

Sooooo, the Acropolis is pretty freakin sweet.

Who is that Greek God?

Pillahs (my boy's wicked smaht)

In addition to the obvious mad old buildings, architectural secrets (no straight lines in the Parthenon, pillars are smaller at top, optical illusions, blah blah blah), and a nice hill to walk up for exercise.....this thing is on top of a giant hill with a ridiculous view of Athens.

Take your time. Stare at it for a while. I'll be here when you get back....

So that was nice, huh?

I know you're asking yourself, "Did Matt make it to a Greek island as well?". Yes I did! Even though it was cold and it was the last weekend stuff was open, I fought through it and went to Hydra just so I could report back to you fine people.

How do you get to an island? You take a helicopter. But if you don't have a helicopter, you take a boat. There's almost 100 Greek islands and so they have a fleet of ferries/boats/things that are constantly travelling back and forth between them. It feels like an airport and feels like a flight. Their boats even look like planes (kind of)...

The island was full of little cottages, winding alleys, donkeys and cats. So many cats. Get that shit under control. There are no cars allowed there, so everyone travels by donkey (or cat if they can train them). There is seriously a never ending maze of alleys between all the houses....seriously. Although cold and lonely.....the island will always have a special place in my heart (tear)

That's all I got. There's nothing more to say. Special thanks to Athena, Zeus, Poseidon and Hermes for showing me a good time.

And I will leave you with a picture of this glorious towel that I know you all are very jealous of. I am making this picture quite large to allow for full inspection.