Good bye South America (may not actually be South America)
After my month in Cusco, Peru, I have said ciao to South America and bonjour to Europe. London specifically. You know, that country that just voted to leave the EU. There's plenty to talk about my new adventures on this new continent, but I know you're dying to hear about Peru, so we should talk about that.
As I may have mentioned before, this place is full of the cutest animals ever. Since I'm such a nice guy, I'm gonna throw in pictures of alpacas and goats and maybe even a puppy throughout this post. Here's your first:
It's like he's looking right at the camera
Cusco is basically a tourist town as it acts as the staging point to go to Machu Picchu. Even though there was someone trying to sell me something on every block, I actually really enjoyed it. It was a city built by the Inca's and was full of one way narrow stone streets (that served bi-direction traffic somehow) with the occasional Inca wall still standing (the Incas knew how to build a wall).
Jeff Gaughan from RY2 (Remote Year 2...the group we are trailing by one month), made this cool video of our walk from hotel to office space.
Cusco, like La Paz the previous month, is at an elevation around 13,000 ft and as you might have noticed there's like over 100 stairs to get up to the hotel room (plus hills up the whole walk)....so that sucked. I also tried to run a few times during the month, but it was impossible due to altitude and consistent up hills. I basically had to stop every hundred feet to catch my breath. Thankfully, though, I didn't have to do any hiking up mountains this months.
That was a joke. I actually had to hike up lots of mountains this month. It's funny because I said the opposite of the truth.
The weather in Cusco was quite cold. At night it would get below freezing and most of the buildings don't have heat. It's like they built the city without considering the fact that its cold for part of the year. Lots of places had heat lamps or space heaters (like my bedroom), but they didn't really cut it. So, on this year long trip where I'm supposedly "chasing summer", I had to wear a jacket every day
This doubles as an example of me wearing a jacket and a cute animal picture (and a Cholita picture)
July is apparently festival month in Cusco and there are literally, literally (not a typo), parades every single day.
Every day
Like every day
No, really...every day
So that rainbow flag is the flag of Cusco. You may think its the gay pride flag, but if you look closely, you'll notice its actually upside down. I guess you can't really tell from this picture b/c its flat and there is no upside down....but if you hang it, then you can totally tell the difference.
OK, time for an extreme alpaca close up..
Extreme alpaca close up
I mentioned earlier that there's lots of Inca stuff in Cusco. In fact, they say they built the town in the shape of a Puma because it was one of the Inca's sacred animals.
Cusco in the shape of a Puma....kinda of
It seems more like if you just randomly draw lines through the city that looks like a Puma, then yeah, its in the shape of a Puma.
That head part of the Puma is an Inca Ruin called Sacsayhuaman. If you sound it out (at least the way the Peruvians do) it sounds exactly like Sexy Woman. So, when you walk around Cusco you are often asked if you want to go to Sexy Woman. And of course, every time I say yes, and then I'm disappointed. I get up there and there's no sexy woman, just some ruins and this telephone pole...
The great Sexy Woman telephone poll
I suppose it's a pretty sweet view at least.
Oh my god, how cute is that?
One observation I will make about Cusco is that people seem to work crazy hours. Like 14 hour days, 6 days a week. I met multiple people in this situation. Not sure how that is possible.
Moving on....for my first big side trip of the month, I went to Rainbow Mountain. I'm not sure why people don't know about this place cause it's ridiculous.
Rainbow Mountain....where Skittles come from
Like, how have you never seen a picture of that before in your life? Everyone knows Machu Piccu, but this is like just around the corner (so to speak). They really need some better marketing.
The backside of Rainbow Mountain
So much rainbow
This was prob the toughest hike, IMHO, that I have done on this trip. It's not that the actual hike was tough, long or rigorous...its that you are ascending to 15,000 feet. No Oxygen! No bueno! The only thing that really got me through this madness was the constant stream of cute llamas on the hill side.
So many llamas (or alpacas)
One of the most important things I learned this month was the difference between a llama and an alpaca.
Ears - Llama ears are larger
Size - Llamas are bigger
Face - Llama have longer faces
Attitude - Llamas are assholes
Which one do you think this is?
Nope, you're wrong! It's my girlfriend. She's human.
The next trip I took was an all day ATV tour of the area surrounding Cusco, known as Sacred Valley (when pronounced sounds like "seductive mistress"). This trip had all your usual, expected ATV elements...
Matt as a badass on his ATV with an amazing mountainous background
Never in my life have I seen such a badass
Quinoa (took me 5 times to spell that right)
They love their quinoa in South America
Salt. So much salt!
We visited a salt mine. It was delicious.
The back of my head...as usual
You recognize me now
Nazi storm trooper helmets
[Insert German here]
And finally, me licking the salt
What is wrong with me?
List Over!
Before we get to my final adventure of the month, here's a cute puppy to keep you occupied.
Actually a llama
My final adventure of the month was the big one. The whole enchilada. The whole Machu Piccu as they say. That's right, Machu Picchu (pronounced MAH-choo-PEEK-choo which of course means "Old Mountain" in Quechua (the native language). If you pronounce it MAH-choo-PEE-choo, it means "Old Penis". But that may be what you actually wanted to say).
Now you can just take a train and a bus to Machu Picchu and walk around, but I wanted to go big. So, I booked a trip with 14 other people from my Remote Year trip for a 4 day hike of the Inca Trail. Only 500 people a day are allowed to enter the Inca Trail (including guides and sherpas), so I felt really special (and also I booked the trip back in January to ensure we had spots). For the 15 of us on the trip, how many sherpas do you think we had? 10? No really, guess. Eleventeen? Thats not even a number. The answer is 21. We had 21 sherpas (including a chef) and 2 guides.
So many sherpas
This was more like luxury hiking than hiking. Every meal was amazing. He even made a pizza and a cake without an oven (not sure how thats possible). It is just the best when you roll into camp after hiking all day and everything is all setup for you.
The hike itself was not that tough, but it had some pretty amazing views along the way.
Day 2 of the Inca Trail
Day 3 of the Inca Trail...what a pose
Machu Picchu (PEEK-choo) was not actually the highlight of the trip. In fact, it kinda sucked. I mean the actual place was amazing, but there were soooo many tourists. Like an out of control number of tourists. Like enough tourists so that I didn't even think this was the most amazing thing ever...
Not the most amazing thing ever...cause of the tourists
What was the most amazing thing ever, and possibly my favorite day on Remote Year (it's a tough call between this and biking Death Road in La Paz) was Day 3 of the Inca Trail. Lots of Inca ruins, some of the best views of my life....and no tourists.
Decent
Above average
A little cheesy
Kinda cool
But don't get me wrong, day 4 was an amazing day too. We woke up at 3:00AM in order to get to the Sun Gate at sunrise and maybe beat some of the crowds to the main event. The Sun Gate is just like this other ruin with a good view of Machu Picchu (PEEK-choo) (I'm sure it has some other significance as well). So after hiking all morning we finally made it.
The cloudy Sun Gate
Oh look, a bunch of clouds...
Alright, I guess I got some other good ones.
Don't wear the shirt of the band to their concert
I'm tired of writing captions
Extreme selfie
Alright, its pretty impressive
All that Machu Picchu-ing calls for another cute animal
Baby goats....why not
One other unique things I did in Cusco was eat Guinea Pig (yeah thats a thing there). However, it was definitely not worth it. Its expensive, there's no meat and it doesn't taste good....the three things you look for in a meal. But it makes a nice picture I guess.
You're childhood pet
And that about wraps up my month in Cusco, Peru. But before we move on, I'll give you one more picture of an alpaca.
Did I mention I went to the Bolivian Jungle? And guess who I ran into right in the middle of the Bolivia Jungle. This die-hard Wisconsin fan:
Our tour guide, the Bolivian Jungle Wisconsin fan
Well actually he didn't know what the 'W' stood for and he couldn't even pronounce Wisconsin, but I think I turned him into a believer. He's definitely going to be watching the next game (if he can find a TV in the jungle....a TV thats playing a Wisconsin game..in Bolivia).
So, now you're prob wondering, did I get Zika? Did I get Malaria? Did I get Herpes?
I guess we'll never know.
But I did go Anaconda hunting, which is way more dangerous than those "diseases". The good news is I didn't get attacked by an Anaconda (should that be capitalized?). The bad news is I didn't see any Anacondas. We did see a couple of snakes though, which the guides called a Cobra (that seems like it should be capitalized) and a Rattlesnake (although they did not resemble a Cobra and did not have a rattle...so perhaps they were just making that up). But this one was pretty big (insert thats what she said joke here):
Thats what she said!
For two hours we were hiking through knee high grass and ankle high water completely unable to see our feet or the potential snakes that we were about to step on. But I wasn't scared...as this picture clearly shows:
My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun
And snakes weren't the only animals we saw out there (clearly, because I posted pictures of other animals above). We saw the elusive Capybara...or as I like to call them, the mutated-rabbit-guinea-pig (similar to man-bear-pig).
A rarely seen mutated-rabbit-guinea-pig
A mutated-rabbit-guinea-pig about to get eaten
And as is clear by now, there were crocodiles. We went out at night to see them when they are more active and aggressive (cause we're bad ass). When you shine a flashlight at them, their eyes light up yellow and orange. That night, I was attacked by a crocodile (seen below), but I think I got the best of him:
I win this round (although its a terrible picture of me...so I guess we're even)
And of course there was the obligatory Piranha hunting (seriously, who would go to the Bolivian jungle and not fish for some Piranhas?)
I def won this one
I don't actually eat fish, but I am told that they were delicious....but boney.
And here's what they looked like cooked. I have been having nightmares of this guy for weeks.
Sharp teeth
Other than that there was lots of monkeys, riding boats down the river, jumping off a rope swing into the water with crocodiles on the river bank literally 50 feet away and sitting in hammocks drinking beer.
Monkey hungry
So many monkeys
I don't see color
If you look close enough, you can probably see some hungry crocodiles
Straight chillin
But the highlight of the trip was eating at the highest burger joint in the world (at the airport).
How could the Bolivian jungle compete with this?
Before we move on to our next country, I wanted to share one more thing that happened in La Paz. There is an area known as the Witches' Market that sells all kinds of potions and herbs and witch-ey things (like flying broom sticks). The most interesting thing they sell (in my humble opinion) would have to be Llama fetuses.
Ummmm what?
Those are not stuffed llama animals...those are real llama fetuses.....and they're delicious. No, I'm kidding. That would be ridiculous to eat them. Instead you're supposed to bury them in the place where you are constructing a building as like a sacrifice to something and then that building is gonna turn out a-ok. And you thought I ate them...pssssh.
Sorry, one more thing before we move on; Q&A:
Q. Matt Levin writes: I heard there's lots of cocaine in Peru/Bolivia. A. Well Matt, thats not actually a question, but yes you're right. But there's just a lot of coca production in general in these countries and its not all for illicit purposes. Coca leaves are great for altitude sickness, so you can find all kinds of coca products here; leaves, candy, tea, cake, etc. This is not cocaine. But yes, a lot of coca that is produced goes to making cocaine (and there's even a cocaine bar in La Paz). While traveling through the remote areas of Bolivia/Peru you will see many coca fields and you have to wonder....is this where coca-cola was invented?. There's an interesting book about the Bolivian cocaine trade (or really more about the Bolivian prison system), called Marching Powder.
And now lets move on to Peru!
Peru
A couple quick observations to start with:
This is more for all Spanish speaking countries, but the bathroom door signs are really confusing. They have the letters H & M on them. Naturally, being a man, I would think to go for the M door. But nope, whomever invented Spanish decided to make the word for woman as Mujer. What an asshole. So I need to go for the H which stands for Hombres.
The Peru presidential election happened to be going on while I was here, so some interesting things came out of that. First, there's mandatory voting participation. Not sure if this would be good or bad for the US. But thats not that uncommon in the world, but also, Peru is a dry country the day before and the day of the election. Say what? Yeah you can't buy any alcohol (even in bars) for two days. Ya know, so you can spend your time reflecting on who you want to vote for.
Quinoa is everywhere. This is really true for Bolivia and Peru. I believe that Boliva was the originator for Quinoa (I could just open a new tab and confirm that in wikipedia, but I'll just keep it as an assertion). There's so many vegetarian, vegan and organic options in both countries. Its like I went from meat central in Argentina, to....non-meat central. I went to this amazing Vegan restaurant in La Paz called Ali Pacha. Had a 5 course vegan meal with JUICE pairing (genius idea).
June is the festival month in Cusco. There's a parade in the main square literally every day. I pass by marching bands, military peoples, dancers and fireworks on my way to work every day.
For the month of June, I am staying in Cusco Peru, but for two weekends I stayed in Lima. Did you know "During the Spanish Viceroyalty of Peru, lima beans were exported to the rest of the Americas and Europe, and since the boxes of such goods had their place of origin labeled "Lima, Peru", the beans got named as such". So really we should be calling them Lima beans and not lima beans #funFactsWithMatt
The first time I went to Lima, it was for Remote Nation. As you may be aware, I am on this program called Remote Year. I am actually on the third trip they setup. The first trip started last June (and finished at the end of May) and the second trip started a month before me in February. Since all three groups were in South America, a meet up was held in Lima and bore the name Remote Nation. The actual Remote Nation part wasn't that great or interesting, but the Lima part was cool. Oh, I guess it was interesting that Remote Year 1 was on their last week of the year and it really just became a total mind f*ck thinking about going back to "normal" life....with all you "normies".
Lima has ridiculously good restaurants. There is sooo much ceviche. I don't normally eat fish (see piranha reference above), but I found I really like ceviche (cause it doesn't taste or smell like fish).
Ceviche
I really liked the Octopus
I went on a food tour while I was there and now I'm fat. Here's a picture of some chef preparing some ceviche that made me fat:
You son of a bitch...you made me fat...look at him mocking me
So good food. But also the ocean, or as they say in Spanish, "the ocean"...since I'm clearly a gringo and don't speak Spanish so they speak to me in English. Here's a picture of a mall I spent a lot of time at on the coast:
Great place to work
And because, why not, a bunch of us decided to get a sweet Airbnb on the ocean outside of Lima for the night.
Not bad
The other weekend I spent in lima started on June 2. Do you recognize this date? You should, cause its the day Babe Ruth announced his retirement in 1953 (apparently). It also happens to be my birthday. I had originally wanted to go to Colombia for my birthday but it was complicated so I ended up in Lima #RoughLife. And guess what I did in Lima for my birthday...I ate more food and got even fatter.
Getting sooo fat
I'm obese
I dunno how this blog post turned into food porn, but here's a cute picture of my cake that some people got me:
Why is there a thumb in this picture?
Unfortunately, I can't speak any Spanish so I'm not sure what it says. I'm guessing something like "Happy Babe Ruth Retirement Day Matt". I really do have the best friends here.
For dinner, we went to this bomb Amazonian fusion restaurant called Amaz. I recommend it when you're in Lima.
Go here!
The rest of my birthday weekend was spent bar hopping, clubbing, chillin, getting fat and surfing.
Ahhh there goes a monkey...
A monkey....not in Lima
What was that monkey doing here?
Sorry for the monkey distraction. Another weird thing that they have in Lima is a cat park (Aaron Levin this is for you). As in gato park (sorry, gato is Spanish for cat). There are just hundreds of cats chillin in this park.
So many gatos
And now lets move on from Lima to Cusco. They call it the land where it rains llamas, alpacas and baby goats.
Alpaca selfie
Extreme alpaca closeup
Baby goats wearing hats
Llamas and alpacas galore
And thats all I'll say about Cusco for now. I'll save the rest for next time...
Oh did you even notice that the map I posted was of Mexico and not Peru. God, I hope so. I leave it to you to look up what a map of Peru really looks like.
But I will show you a slow motion video of me jumping into the crocodile infested Bolivian jungle river:
