Hello 911....Yes, there is a giant man burning in the middle of the desert

Yes, that's right. I couldn't stay away. I had to go back for round 3 of Burning Man. And this time....the desert won (I'm not really sure what that means...I just thought it was a good opener). Things got a little crazy this time...a little too crazy, if you know what I mean (prob not). And somehow I ended up going for a week. Yes a full seven days of dust, love, dust, things appearing to melt when they shouldn't be, partying, dust, tits, heat, cold, man tits, and the craziest, trippiest art of all kinds you can't even imagine. Do you understand now? Do you? Do you? No? Then perhaps this giant octopus car shooting flames out of its tentacles will help.

Starting to make sense? Good.

This time I went with people I didn't even know (friends of friends) cause its just too damn hard to find someone cool enough, that's willing to go from the east coast (yeah, I'm talking about you). But as always, the Burners (those that attend Burning Man) are the nicest people out there and things worked out amazingly.

You can't tell, but she's pinching my nipple hardcore there....

We stayed at the hoolihoop (sp?) camp and despite having a week, I still couldn't get it down. But there were lots of other peoples who were frickin amahzing...

 Oh yes....there was fire!!!

I hear fire looks cooler when you're on drugs....can anyone confirm this for me?

It really is impossible for me to describe what its like being out there....people are just so giving and so creative. Everywhere you go, people are giving shit out for free (nothing is for sale...its all gifting. Damn hippies). Alcohol, ice cream, pancakes, grilled cheese, massages, advice, body art, hugs, and love. People spend their entire year making crazy amazing massive artwork.

This entire thing is made out of zip ties....hah

And of course there is the man....                                                                             And the man burning....

But there's also just freedom. There's no authority telling you what you can and cannot do. Which may be a bad thing, cause I might drink a lot and climb up on a really high structure....

Gonna say that's not safe

And it's hot. And dusty. And there's not exactly the opportunity to clean yourself. And it's hot. And if you're extremely white and wear suspenders without a shirt (fashion statement), this might happen..

This is my artwork contribution

I actually got an even crazier sunburn on the front

No, that's just body paint

So, I'm just riding around on my bike and I come across this guy with a sign on his bike that says "Body art anytime/anywhere". So I says...."Where's anywhere?". He says "Right here". He breaks out a stool. Breaks out a shade umbrella. Breaks out a suitcase of body art tools and just goes to town on me. It's funny cause we're just sitting in the middle of this intersection getting body spray painted and people just ride by without even thinking twice about it. It's just perfectly normal for this environment.

One of the art projects was Wall St. Just a bunch of huge empty buildings. Not that cool.

Then they Burned It. BURN WALL STREET! Viva la revolution!

Despite everything, I did manage to survive the week. But I am forever changed....mostly because of the acid flashbacks. I'm not ready to give up though. I feel confident I can go back for round 4 and do something stupid enough that I will never return from the desert. Hooray! So, please come back in one year's time to read if I am still alive.

What Happens in Vegas....Stays on Matt's Blog

The land of hope and opportunity....where people fall in and out of love on an hourly basis. Where babies are made and.....disposed of daily. Where Matt Levin goes to celebrate his cousin's wedding, but spends the majority of the weekend getting hammered on the strip. Of course I am talking about the holy land. No, not Jerusalem....Vegas.

I mean don't get me wrong, the trip started innocently enough in the Mormon land of Salt Lake City. In case you care, my brother lives there....and he has a new baby daughter (I guess that makes her my niece). This was really my first experience of significant time with a baby. Those things are crazy. They move around and make a lot of noise, but don't really offer to help you in any way. But they make me seem more likable in pictures.

You know you want to say awww. But you shouldn't cause in the picture I'm actually in the process of grabbing my bottle of gin back from her (I dunno why I like to drink it out of baby bottles).

But I know you didn't come here to read about babies, so we can jump ahead to Vegas. But even after I got to Vegas, there was still some time to see family and only drink moderately.

So, here's another picture that makes me seem like a person you may want to be around.

And here's one of me, my brother and dad, after my uncle said something about the balls behind our head. Classiness runs in our family.

And then all hell broke loose.....

  

                                 

Hmmmmmm.....I was hoping that those pictures were gonna be crazier. But I wanted to convey that you can drink on the street, I am incredibly white, and that they have clubs in Vegas.

This was the general schedule of my nights: drink, drink, drink, drink, gamble, drink, club, drink, dance, food, gamble, drink, dance, puke, dance, drink. And at this point it was actually the next night and time to start over again at drink. 

Except for Sunday when we went to Wet Republic. Pool Party! There were turtle floaties and slip and slides......and the hottest girls I have ever seen in my life. This was our waitress,,,,

Look at her. She can't keep her hands off my tan body. And I'm pretty sure she was the ugly waitress.

I'm gonna go ahead and recommend everyone gets a Cabana at a party pool in Vegas, cause shit is sweeeet.  Typically cabanas have like a $1000 minimum. Lucky for me though, my bro got us a hook up and we had no minimum at all. Booyah. So, for five of us for five hours, we got away with only spending $775. What a fucking deal!

Life

is

Good!!! 

But I have no idea how we spent that much money. I'm guessing somebody bought a bottle of something behind my back. Of course my brother (who wasn't paying for anything) signed the bill to our hotel room and didn't think to check anything when the bill came out to that ridiculous amount. I believe his quote was..."well that's gonna suck".

I'm not sure what else to say, cause I can't remember because of all the alcohol. Ummmm, we stayed at Aria. Nice hotel. We went to the club there, Haze. Nice club. We got an $80 breakfast in bed. Nice breakfast.

So in the end, I spend shit tons of money. I lost shit tons of money gambling. And I have a void in my memory of the weekend cause I was drunk the whole time. Now that's money well spent.....or not.

Long Island (The most creatively named place since New England)

I know what you're thinking...."Where the hell has this guy been? I've missed his hysterical insulting rants of my and others' cultures." Well, I've been in NYC. But I'm not here today to talk about the city, I'm here to talk about it's friendly island neighbor, Long Island. I recently had the opportunity to spend a couple days in a couple different location, Babylon (somewhere in the middle) and Sagaponack (in the Hamptons). Both rich, drunken times.

Let's start with the Hamptons. Here's the shitty $4 million house I stayed at.

And, it's shitty backyard.

Don't get me wrong, the house is ridic. However, there are $30 million houses down the road. This is the Hampton's people, people use $4 million as tampons (I'm not really sure how that would work, but it sounds painful).

So, all we really did for the weekend was play beer pong, lie on the beach, drink bloodies, play beer pong and play beer pong. Oh, and drink a delicious, nutritious breakfast....

It's good to be rich...or at least know rich people. Someday, with your support (as in donations), I will be able to own a (vacation) house like this of my own (in addition to the three others)....and maybe I will invite each and every one of you out to experience how I live.

The other shitty place I visited on Long Island was somewhere around Babylon. And here is the resort like backyard of the house I stayed at....

My question is....when you have a backyard like this, how do you go on vacation? Don't you walk outside your resort and just shrug at the same scene that you see everyday? I bet the children starving in Ethiopia even feel bad for the people who have to go on vacation like this. Thank you children of Ethiopia, your concern is appreciated!

Oh yeah, I also went out on a boat...

You're lucky I'm wearing a shirt, cause I am very tan and ripped and you would feel bad about how you look if you saw me.

So we swam in the ocean, swam in the pool and grilled some delicious meat. Hooray. I came back nice and red and fat. I believe this is what every woman is looking for in a man. It must be my personality that's failing me.

I hope you all learned lots about Long Island and will consider visiting it for your next vacation. Or perhaps if you get rich, you can buy a house of your own there and invite me to come drink at it.

Love,

Matt

By the way, I am going to start trying to write on this blog more often as I pursue my career in comedy.

India and Amsterdam....together at last

Once again, work has sent me to my most favorite place on earth. A place where the curry flows like ketchup and the tap water will give you diarrhea for weeks. No not Gary Indiana (hey yo), but India. I know that is a little vague cause India is rather large....so I went to Pune.....again. Never heard of it? It's only the 6th largest city in India with a population of 3.5 million. That's it! That's all I have to say about Pune. All I did is work. I was there for 21 days, and I worked 21 days. That's why I'm paid the big bucks.

The most exciting part of my whole trip was the day the supreme court came down with a ruling on who owns some religious piece of land. This had been an 18 year court case in the making (started by some rioting and deaths) over a piece of land both the muslims and hindus claimed to be theirs. One side wanted to build a temple there, the other wanted to build.....a temple there. Personally, I thought they should have built a strip club, so no one was happy....well none of the religious peoples. Anyway, this was such a big deal that they were predicting riots throughout the country, banned mass text messages, and my company told me I should go home early. But did I? No! I risked life and limb for the job. I deserve a raise.

This is really the only picture I took while I was in India....

That's right, its a picture of a trash dump. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I really think this sums up a lot of what my experience in India is like. There is a very distinct smell to India that I recognized as soon as I got off the plane. It's a mix of trash, mildew, fear and a hint of nutmeg. Then, India is dirty. It's more like its just unorganized. Things are half built and not cleaned up. And there are stray dogs everywhere. And there are poor people everywhere. And that's why I took that picture. Like I said don't take it the wrong way....this is a lot of what I think of when I think of India (sorry Indians reading this).

If I was going back to India for three weeks, I had to stop somewhere fun on the way back. And what better place to have fun then the land of sex, drugs, and canals....Amsterdam. Since I was travelling by myself, I decided to stay at a hostel to meet more people....good decision. It was sooo much fun and I met so many awesome people. They had a bar in the hostel and a smoking room (ya know, cigarette smoking). Every night I would party at the hostel and meet a group of people, go out to bars, coffee shops (ya know, for coffee) and the red light district (ya know, for red lights), then go back and party more at the hostel, and go out with a different group of people. The downside was everyday people left and I lost all my friends (tear).

So, while I was there, I found out that the Netherlands elected some super right wing government and is closing the red light district and working on closing all the coffee shops. Basically they are trying to lose all their tourists. God I hate conservative religious nuts. However, the city is pretty cool outside all the partying. The city is completely made up of different alleys and canals.

There is unlimited amounts of restaurants and bars. And they sell fries on their own.

Hmmm...nevermind these are all just made for partying. I think this was the intention when they founded this city....to get high, get food and get laid. I for one say 'No thank you' to this. I came for the windmills and clogs.

Oh yeah....and they have delicious baked goods (ya know, with weed in them)

Burning Man

I was trying to think of a way that I could explain burning man to those non freak crazy druggy hippies out there (you know who you are), who haven't been yet.....but I don't know that it's possible. The first moment I set foot out there, I had a feeling I have never experienced before...it was just complete sensory overload (and barely any drugs were involved). It was a world where pretty much every single thing had never even been a consideration in my mind. The mere fact that people ride their bikes through the desert because the area is so big (circle 1.5 miles in diameter), is crazy and would cause complete brain malfunction in normal people.

Since my first experience at burning man, my view of it has changed significantly. My first impression of it was totally Party! Party! Drugs! Sex! Party!

Not to be lame or cliche, but it seems much more significant than that now. It is a culture that is utterly community focused. In case you didn't know, nothing is for sale at burning man. No food! No water! Nothing (except ice). This means you have to bring in (and out) everything you need to survive for a week. However, you could easily manage as well by bringing absolutely nothing. You could sky dive in (as many people do) and get along quite well by the charity of others. Everyone is looking to give to the others and the community. Everywhere you go there are bars setup where the drinks are free...all you need to do is bring around your cup and they will fill you up.

At meal times, everywhere you go, people are grilling up hundreds of grilled cheeses, quesadillas, crepes, breakfast burritos, etc. Everywhere you go, there are huge tents setup that hold from 20 to 100s of people with full on couches, lounge chairs, etc. and every tent is open to everyone. Any time of day or night you can go right into one of these tents and lie down on a couch and sleep.

In addition to just giving out things for free (and free is the wrong word...its really benefiting the giver as much as the receiver), people spend a significant part of their year creating items for the event. The coolest part of the entire experience IMHO is the art cars. People break down cars to their base and then build them back up into crazy looking vehicles like dragons or birthday cakes or pirate ships. These can be based on buses and hold 50+ people.

All the larger art cars have DJs spinning on them and like everything else at burning man, all are welcome. Anyone can jump on and off these vehicles at any time and at night they simply roll around in the center with no destination in mind.....rolling parties.....so sick!

Often times the art cars will stop for a while somewhere and be pumping their music which causes a crowd of passerby's to check it out and from an impromptu party. Basically everywhere you go there is a party. The ship below took 3 wide load trucks to bring up.

People also spend their time outside of burning man building huge trippy art installations for the event. These are some of the coolest things you will ever see.....and are perfect for staring at if you happen to be on some mind expanding substances (not that I ever would be).

There are just some amazingly creative people who make stuff for this simply because they love to.

For some reason, the percentage of attractive people at burning man is ridiculously high. I swear to god theres like a 10 to 1 ratio of models to ugly chicks (I'm sure the guys aren't bad either....I mean I'm there....nice!). Plus these girls are dressed in the most ridiculous outfits, or simply no outfits at all. There is a fair amount of naked people at any time of day or night (ask me for pics), some bad, but mostly good 8-) People walk around like this not to be sexual (usually) but just to be liberated. Nudity is so prevalent and people take it so lightly that it takes the sexuality out of it (well not entirely (wink)).

Oh man, and the music is unreal. I'd say at least 75% of the music spun there is Dubstep. I always was a huge fan of electronic music, but Dubstep is just a whole other level. It has such hard beats and I am totally obsessed with it now. There aren't really live bands at burning man, but more DJs EVERYWHERE. If its ok with you let me explain a little bit of the layout....

The area is a 3/4 of a circle 1.5 miles in diameter. In the middle is the man and for .25 miles in every direction is wide open desert with an occasional random trippy art installation. Outside of that is the inner ring known as the esplanade. This consists of all the major "clubs" and tents. There are numerous tents and domes holding hundreds+ people, playing music all day and night. Some ridiculously amazing (biggest in the world) DJs spin at the bigger stages. Outside of the esplanade for 1 mile is all the tents, RVs, etc. where everyone lives. Placed among peoples "homes" are bars, massage tents, misting tents, trampolines, swings, games, and chaos. Everything is brought in by attendees for the benefit of everyone.

Even the weather in crazy out there (duh, it's a desert). It's hot during the day (upper 90s) and cold at night (50s). Sudden dust storms kick up at any and all times. These can lead to white out conditions where you can't even see ten feet in front of you.

Last year I happen to be wandering through the open center area during one of these white outs with no shirt.....looking for answers to life's questions. All of sudden, out of the dust, comes a booth with a stool on each side and sign that says advice. Some dude is sitting on one side and has been clearly waiting for me. So I sit down and this guy completely covered in dirt with sand whipping across his face sits there and talks to me in complete seriousness about my life. This description really didn't do it justice, but it was hysterical.

When the weather clears up you can see so much stuff. The last night I was there became a perfectly clear night and looking out from the middle, all you could see was shit loads of lights for miles in every direction. Not city lights, but party lights (yeah....party lights). Everything and everyone is decked out in crazy colored lights. It the most ridiculous sight which gives the most ridiculous feeling. Sometimes I wish I could take this feeling, this experience, and roll it all up into a pill...check. I would go to burning man and take that pill....check.

Is this picture on the right not the perfect fucking picture. I mean look at her leg for god sakes.

There is tons more I could say about this and probably some better stories. But there is still no possible way you would understand. I suggest you get naked, grab a boombox, and bike down the street with glow sticks....then you'll get it.